Oh My Darling, Dopamine
or
The Freedom in Boredom
or
The Gift of Neutrality
- In my brief stint as a blogger, I’ve begun to understand more and more why Oscar bate-y films often have multiple titles. I used to find it pretentious and ego driven, now I find it relatable, pretentious, and ego-driven. -
I was talking to a friend in early recovery last week and found words of guidance falling out of my lips with the confidence and self-assuredness of a white woman with a 10-step skin-care routine and a TikTok account. Being the wise one is a new sensation to me.
I sat across from her in a diner. In front of us, freshly wiped laminated menus with a respectable grease-to-windex ratio, and a full pot of coffee which we both drank carefully. Caffeine-induced tremors are especially uncomfortable to those who so frequently experienced substance withdrawal tremors.
“There’s a lot of freedom in boredom,” I found myself spouting, “This can be good or bad, or, if you’re lucky, kind of neutral.”
Then, she hit me with the question all people who think they’re on a roll and speaking insightfully loathe.
“Why?”
I don’t remember quite how I answered in the moment, but I threw something together about drugs and alcohol eating up your serenity and any ability to live in boredom, and therefore live with yourself. And there is validity in that point.
I’ve been ruminating on it for about a week now and I don’t believe I was just speaking out of my ass. Wholly, especially in our 20s, a lot of us are on a dopamine quest. There’s a narrative propagated by Millenials and Gen Xers, that encourages jumping into things with both feet. The vitality of passion in one’s existence negates any and all struggle to achieve that passion, and settling for anything less than living one’s absolute best life 24/7 is sad. This isn’t a new concept. Hell, VanGogh said, “I would rather die of passion than of boredom.”
Sure, who wouldn’t?
But let’s take death off the table for a minute and focus on life.
The movement toward impulse decision making, extravagance, and red-hot passion has been unabashedly inflated by social media. Why? The dopamine high feels good. It feels so f*cking good.
And like most things that feel good, dopamine can be addictive and reckless.
Hence, the dangerous nature of it for the addict.
I’d argue the ability to achieve peace and serenity in routine, to find structure, and to live in the present fully, to be still, is true freedom. Requiring the next dopamine hit is an exciting way to live, but it’s an externally dependant way to live.
I’m not saying we should all sober up and stop having fun.
But when everything in your life feels like the highest high or the lowest low, as it nearly always does in active addiction, neutrality is a gift. Ambivalence is a gift. Boredom is a luxury, and structured routine creates safety.
This has been one of the most difficult truths to accept in my recovery. It’s sullied a few very important relationships.
I’m still trying to figure this one out, guys.
Progress, not perfection.
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