My name is Brooke, and I'm an alcoholic.

I've spent most of my adult life committing a slow suicide; drinking myself to near liver cirrhosis by age 25. Now, I'm doing the opposite. ​​​ 

My life in active addiction was moderately well-disguised. My mother put it best, perhaps, when  she held a breathalyzer to my cracked, bloody lips, and check mate'd the degenerate in front of her, stating, "the only better liar than an addict, is an addict with an Acting degree."​ 

But I didn't stop drinking when I smashed my tooth out. Nor did I stop drinking after an extended psychiatric hold, where I underwent a strenuous, medically supervised detox. I didn't stop when my driver's license was suspended. I didn't stop when I detoxed at the hospital a second time. I didn't stop a year prior, when a doctor at CAMH told me I'd be lucky to see 27 if I continued. Arrogantly, I welcomed the thought, fantasizing of Kurt Cobain and the likes. ​ 

I didn't stop when the locks were changed on my apartment, and I didn't stop when my family cut me out of their lives. I'm a run-of-the-mill addict.​  

Addiction is cunning, baffling, powerful. ​I've spent just over a year in Recovery Rooms, where I've met other addicts like myself. These strangers saved my life.

I'm not here to tell anyone how to get sober. I can only offer my experience, an empathetic ear, or a safe ride to a meeting. Safe and legal; my license is no longer suspended! *finger guns*

Reverse Suicide is a cathartic expression of gratitude, honesty, and progress. It's an attempt at giving back to my past self, who didn't put her writing out there enough. But most importantly, as an AA'er, it's a small part of practicing Step 12.

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Here's to loving myself back to life.

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